Chief Sciencetician

Responsible for smiting strangers with possible facts that surface in social media feeds. A convincing actor, the Chief Sciencetician must feign knowledge of their in-group's maybe-facts of the day and should feel no shame mocking strangers for being ignorant of what "everybody knows." Must be able to recirculate hoaxes and dubious memes. 

Qualifications

• Internet access and hive mind receptivity

• Snark

• Irrationally partisan

• Lacking in self-awareness

• Should not have studied or given serious attention to any topic of discussion

• Boring

Meh Manager

Responsible for caring enough to say "who cares?" when encountering a conversation between strangers who "care" about any given subject in a way the Meh Manager finds unsatisfactory.

Qualifications

• Terrible person

• Lacking in self-awareness

• Frustrated authoritarian

• Has difficulty forming or understanding arguments

Grow Up Associate 

Reports to the Meh Manager and is responsible for saying "grow up" when encountering strangers with worldviews different than their own poorly considered one. 

QUALIFICATIONS

• Lacking in self-awareness

• Frustrated authoritarian

• Has difficulty forming or understanding arguments

• Failure

Director of Dragging

Responsible for jeerleading and hyperbole construction, the Director of Dragging lives to see goats driven from villages. Ended. Destroyed. Canceled. ETHERED. EXPLODED. VANQUISHED IN AN EPIC ONSLAUGHT OF BAD JOKES AND HOLLOW LAUGHTER. Dishonesty and bad-jacketing may also be required.

QUALIFICATIONS

• Internet access and hive mind receptivity

• Laughs without mirth

• Schadenfreude

• Reckless

• Lacking in self-awareness

• Boring

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